Andrew J Offutt's The Sword of Skelos

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Introduction: To round out my Andrew J. Offutt Conan pastiche, I hunted down a copy of The Sword of Skelos. Skelos is the third Conan novel written by Offutt. I wrote of the first two novels, Conan and the Sorcerer and Conan the Mercenary before. Sorcerer and Mercenary, were both published by Ace and featured interior art by Esteban Maroto. Skelos however was published by Bantam books, the third in a series of "The Fantastic New Adventures of Conan". Karl Edward Wagner's The Road of Kings (reviewed here) was in the same series of books. The Sword of Skelos saw publication in 1979 and features only a sparse amount of interior illustration not done by Maroto, but by Tim Kirk. Conan and the Sorcerer, Conan the Mercenary and Conan: The Sword of Skelos make a loose trilogy. If you have not read either of the previous volumes, Offutt recaps both stories in this volume.

The Plot Skinny (Mostly Spoiler Free): The novel begins a few weeks after the events of Mercenary. Having regained his soul, (an event that occurred in Conan the Mercenary), Conan is in the city of Shadizar seeking his next adventure. While he is there, a thief named Khassek of Iranistan attempts to capture him. Khassek suspects that Conan is either still in possession of the Eye of Erlik, or knows where it is. In fact, Conan does still have the amulet. He has kept it hidden on his person. Conan agrees to travel to far off Iranistan with Khassek. He is promised that Khassek's employer will reward him greatly for doing so. During their journey, they encounter Isparana. Isparana is a thief introduced and last seen in the novel Conan and the Sorcerer. In that novel, she was a competing thief for the Eye of Erlik; actually, she stole it first and Conan later stole it from her and switched the true Eye for a fake given to him by the sorcerer Hissar Zul. When Conan had last saw Isparana, she was being escorted by a gang of five guards that Conan had left her with. In the book Skelos, Conan and Isparana form an uneasy alliance and travel to Zamboula together in hopes of obtaining a reward from that cities' ruler, Akter Khan.  In Zamboula they fall prey to the political mechanations of Akter Khan and the Stygian mage Zafra. Zafra has found himself in Akter Khan's good graces by providing him with an enchanted sword. Zafra enchanted the sword from secrets gleaned from the Scrolls of Skelos. With the enchantment, when the bearer speaks the words "slay him", the sword slays of its own volition, no wielder is needed.

The Good: Offutt's secondary characters are engaging, especially the sorcerer Zafra. In Offutt's bio in the back of the book he states: "he [Offutt] is...tired of aged, bald, ugly, sexless mages". Zafra is none of these things. He is young, older than the 17 year old Conan, but much younger than the average mage depicted in Sword and Sorcery tales. He plotted and killed his master and has just recently elevated himself from apprentice to journeyman (so to speak). I liked Zafra as portrayed by Offutt. The author set out to make a believable villain and he succeeded. Zafra is driven by the lust for power, a staple among sorcerers in sword and sorcery tales, but also he lusts for women. During the course of the story, he has an affair with Chia, or the Tigress as Akter calls her. Chia was another well done character that I enjoyed in the story. She is vile at times, but uses her wiles and station as favored consort to her advantage. Offutt creates a desert dwelling tribe for the story called the Shanki. They are Islamic in flavor and he does a swell job of presenting their culture in a rich, satisfying way.

The Bad: Isparana is the bad. Offutt tries to turn the relationship between her and Conan from nemesis to enemies, while trying to maintain a flavor of them being "frienemies". At times I felt he was doing this as a fishing for knee-slapper moments. It failed. I never found myself actually giving a damn about Isparana. Worse than that, I didn't buy Offutt's depiction of Conan as a brash 17 year old. At times he seemed the young reckless youth that just six months earlier scaled the walls of the Elephant Tower after killing a man in a bar fight because he made Conan look simple, and then Offutt has him coming up with master strategic plans to elude the khan's army. I just don't believe that Conan, as the youth he was at this point, was up for making grand schemes. Offutt tries to cover this up by having Conan say (after advising a Shanki warrior against brashness): "[I am] old enough to give advice I probably would not have the sense to take". This is a cop out, in my opinion. Offutt knows that Conan should be acting rashly, but his plot depends upon the young Conan giving sound advice and consequently, after giving said sound advice and after being advised against it, he storms off on a foolish mission only to be captured (again, plot needed).

Two more points on "the bad": Offutt built up Zafra and I looked forward to his confrontation with Conan; however, it was quick and less than satisfying. Also, he intrigued me with his characterization of Chia, and I hoped for her to be more involved in the plot, she was not and was "summarily" dealt with. While I enjoyed the ending of the book, it served as a moral point for Conan, it was rushed and seemed hasty.

The Ugly: The Eye of Erlik has been the object of much murder and intrigue (most of which occurs behind the scenes) and Offutt has built up its importance over three stories; however, like the Mask of Acheron in the 2011 movie Conan the Barbarian, the Eye doesn't do anything. Nothing. No magical powers. No, oh-shit we sure are screwed now moments, not a damn thing. Why was everyone so hot to get their hands on this amulet when it is just a piece of jewelry? A valuable one, but no powers. It was disappointing. I kept thinking while reading this, "the swords of Skelos sound cool, but I wonder what the amulet does?" Answer, not a damn thing and yet Khassek's employer (consequently, the identity of his employer is never revealed, but presumably he/she is the ruler of Iranistan) sends him forth with 20 pieces of gold, and a stash of gems and jewels to aid in his quest to obtain the Eye of Erlik at all costs. Not to mention, in the book Conan and the Sorcerer, Hissar Zul enslaves men by stealing their souls so they can act as guardians for the Eye, not to mention all the traps he had set to capture/kill would be thieves. Yet the damn amulet does nothing. Nothing.

Summary: It was an enjoyable read, despite the fact that there was no big revelation concerning the Eye of Erlik. There were some plot holes, and Offutt's Conan was not entirely convincing for me, but I did not hate the book. It was a stronger read than Mercenary, but was not as good as Sorcerer.

B-List Barbarians: The Sword and Sorcery of John Jakes

While John Jakes is best known for his historical fiction, prominently his Kent Family Chronicles and his North and South trilogy, before he gained fame for his historical fiction, he was best known for his Sword & Sorcery stories.

Because of the Conan popularity "boom" of the 60's and 70's, it was not uncommon to see many titles featuring a "Clonan" type character and bearing the inscription: in the tradition of Conan. It was these sorts of stories that Jakes set out to write with his Brak the Barbarian tales. While these are not exactly Conan pastiche, they are of interest to hard-core Cimmerian fans. I will share two such works here: Brak the Barbarian and Mention my Name in Atlantis, two books by the same author that emulate Conan and REH in their own way.

I'm not sure when and to whom Jakes sold his first Brak the Barbarian tale, but according to Lin Carter, Jakes began writing Brak tales in 1963 and sold most of the earliest to the Ziff-Davis magazine Fantastic. The cover to the left is from the 1980 Tower publication of Brak the Barbarian. In its introduction, Jakes states that the title of the first Brak story was "Devils in the Walls" and he also freely admits that it was "...a Howard pastiche". Brak the Barbarian was Jakes first of five collections of Brak stories and first saw print in 1968 with Avon Publishing. It is currently out of print and it took much haunting of used book stores for me to acquire a copy.

I was curious about them for Lin Carter stated his admiration of them more then once. I respect and follow Carter's recommendations; after all, the man was the editor of the fabulous Ballantine Adult Fantasy series, which I have not yet read a bad volume of, and I have read several. 

Brak the Barbarian proved to me that Carter's opinion is not infallible. I did not hate the book, but it was not worth the time it took me to find a copy. Brak is a collection of five stories: "The Unspeakable Shrine", "Flame-Face", "The Courts of the Conjurer" , "Ghosts of Stone" and "The Barge of Souls". The edition pictured above that I read is illustrated by Thomas O. Miller, whose art I am unfamiliar with. The stories are loosely connected in the sense that they are sequential, but they could easily be read separately. I gained the sense that Jakes performed much post-editing in an attempt to join them into a weak serial.

In this book, Brak has recently left his home in the north for the fabled land of Khurisdan based upon a flimsy notion that he is destined to do so. In each of the five stories, our hero - who differs from Conan because he has blond hair kept in a braid, and always wears his lion skin pelt (how did a barbarian from the north come across a lion skin pelt?) - in each story he encounters adventure. In the opening story "The Unspeakable Shrine" he does battle with an ancient evil sorcerer named Septegundis and the sorcerer's evil daughter Ariane; both worship the evil Yob-Haggoth. He defeats them, but it is promised that Septegundis and he shall meet again, perhaps in Khurisdan or before. Four more adventures follow and the fifth ends with Brak continuing his journey to Khurisdan.

I expected Brak to be a Clonan. With that I take no umbrage; however, the lack of originality was banal. These stories are in the vein of Conan with Lovecraftian imagery thrown in for spice, but they read like the poorest of pastiche. I am not against Conan pastiche. In hopes that the Brak stories grow stronger, not weaker, I will probably continue to look for them. At the very least, they read quickly. This one was great "airplane" fodder. I like books I can read in entirety on a two or three hour flight, and this one fit the bill.

A much more enjoyable read by Jakes is Mention My Name in Atlantis, 1972 Daw SF Books. From the back cover blurb:

The continent of Atlantis had troubles enough before Conax the Barbarian washed ashore. The king was on his last legs, his generals were plotting, there were those scary lights in the sky, and Hoptor the Vintner's favorite girl was being put up for auction on the slave block.

Then Conax, the self-styled king of Chimeria - a place nobody ever heard of - turned up at the auction with broadsword, his barbaric manners, and his hair-triggered temper.

John Jakes, author of Brak the Barbarian and many fast-moving novels of past and future, has written an uproarious cliffhanger that even Robert E. Howard would have approved...not to mention his legion of readers.

This book was as entertaining as its blurb led it to sound. It clocks in at 142 pages and reads in its entirety easily on a long afternoon sitting, or again on a two or three hour flight. I actually read this novel prior to Brak, and based upon it, I had higher hopes for Brak. In Atlantis, Jakes sets out to satirize the numerous volumes of Howard pastiche that were being published at the time. Note his dedication:

To the memory of the real Robert E. Howard who has been kept spinning in his grave for the last decade by the new antics of his favorite character's overactive ghost, not to mention his busy and admiring imitators.

Jakes' attempt makes for an enjoyable read. It is obvious from the get go that Jakes is even making fun of himself here. Note his description of Conax the Chimerical:

he was young with eyes of brighter blue...A mane of yellow hair reached well below his shoulders.

"Yellow hair", just like Jakes' own creation Brak. I liked Conax, perhaps because I am a fan of Conan pun characters such as Groo the Wanderer; however, it is the main character Hoptor the Vinter that is the real entertainment. Hoptor is a weasel always one step ahead of the law and his creditors. He makes his living by brokering deals, in fact his name is his livelihood. he often gets himself out of a sticky situation by convincing others that he can get them a great deal if they visit X merchant and "mention my name" (hence the title).

Based upon the enjoyability factor of Mention my Name in Atlantis, while I may or may not be done with Brak tales, I am not done with John Jakes.

Book Review: FANGBONE! Third Grade Barbarian! by Michael Rex

Fangbone! Third Grade Barbarian combines three things that I have always loved; graphic novels, stories about funny kids in school (the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, come to mind) and sword-swinging, helmet -denting barbarians. So imagine the sheer joy I felt while reading Mike Rex's book where he deftly rolls up all of these things into one single, hilarious, raucous, bellowing, zany, barbaric (and sometimes gross) package.

And he even signed it for me with a little sketch!

Fangbone is about a young barbarian warrior (named Fangbone, natch) who goes through the usual trials of trying to prove himself to his barbarian tribe, but never gets a chance because the rest of his uncouth brethren are too busy pointing out the fact that he is a runty little kid, despite the fact that Fangbone wears his courage on his chest like a set of plate armor.

The story kicks off as the army of Drool (the main bad dude) is about to attack Fangbone's clan in order to retrieve the severed big toe of said bad dude, which is the last remaining piece of his body that is needed to resurrect him. But Fangbone's clan isn't about to give that up, so while the warriors battle the evil horde, Fangbone is given the big toe and sent into another dimension by a sorcerer (ZORKO! GORKO! DORKO! DOO!) to keep it safe. And that other dimension happens to be our world.

After a valiant battle with an old truck in a dump heap, Fangbone finds himself in an elementary school, surrounded by a group of... shall we say... special... kids, who are all so odd enough in their own rights that they don't really give him too much grief about wearing fuzzy shorts to school.

Fangbone becomes quick friends with a kid named Bill, who's a little light on the confidence, but is nice enough to show Fangbone the ropes of living in our world, like how to flush a toilet.

I don't want to go too into the story, but suffice it to say that the evil army of Drool sends some nasties to get that big toe and Fangbone must enlist the help of his new cohorts in fighting them (doing wonders for Bill's confidence along the way).

My favorite scene is toward the end of the book when the go toe to toe (no pun intended) with Lord King Bat, who totally looked like the kind of creature I would have drawn all over my Trapper Keeper folders when I was in 3rd grade.

I also love the scene when a squirrel steals the big toe. But I digress.

The artwork in this book is simple, yet skilled, and the monochrome coloring scheme is brilliant, if you ask me. I think I've made it pretty clear that I loved this book and greatly hope that there will be more tales of Fangbone in the future, so I'll shut up now about its cover-to-cover epic-ness.

Now, in all fairness, I know that most of the readers of CROM! are more into the gritty barbaric novels of Robert E. Howard and probably less inclined to curl up with a graphic novel about 3rd-graders, but for the few of you that do have a child-like heart, or perhaps an actual adventure-loving child in your home, Fangbone is sure to be a major hit... like a beanball to the face (you'll have to read the book to know what that means).

For more about Mike Rex and Fangbone! visit is blog HERE.