Friday, August 26, 2011

Top 5 Reasons Crom Is Better Than Your God

Ben from Canada sent me a link to this awesome article! Thanks, Ben!

Yes, the new Conan movie bombed despite actually being good, but Crom laughs at your box office! Crom cares not for your critics with their unfresh tomatoes! Crom is mighty! Mightier, and greater, than your god, no matter what god you worship. Here are the top reasons why:

1: Your god claims to intervene on your behalf, but then does nothing. Crom’s followers waste not their time with idle prayers! Crom is an honest god! He admits he cares not for your prayers, only your valour in combat!

2: Your god demands devotion, time, money, but Crom cares not for your sacrifices or worship! In fact, Crom’s followers know better than to disturb him for small things like sporting events, for his wrath upon disturbance is often great indeed. Crom only cares that you know the Riddle of Steel, and then if you do, he lets you into Valhalla, where you may dine with the greatest of heroes who have ever lived.

3: Your god inspires much music, and almost all of it terrible. Crom has not inspired much, for all who know Crom knows he smites the unworthy, but what has been offered has been glorious gifts to mankind! BEHOLD! Conan the Musical! Basil Poledouris’ soundtrack to Conan the Barbarian! And of course, the music of the only band worthy of the name Crom! Compare that to the music of your god. Crom laughs at your poor hymns! Laughs from his mountain, surrounded by metal of the heaviest kind.

4: When you die, your god judges your whole life and denies you paradise if you fail. Even the followers of the Aquilonian god Mitra, known to modern men as “Christians”, claim they have a simple test of belief in Jesus, but then claim if you don’t follow a myriad of rules, you fail the test. Crom judges all on his mountain, and asks but one question. “What is the Riddle of Steel?” He may also ask you what is best in life, but that would only be for first choice of mead and wenches. And the Riddle of Steel’s answer has been given away in a popular movie, so if you lack the wisdom to figure it out on your own, you can still get in by knowledge of the ancient film of Milius.

5: If you cannot live up to your god’s standards, your god will almost certainly cast you into a realm of great torment, or reincarnate you as a lesser being. Crom only laughs at you and casts you out of Valhalla. Crom is cruel, but even he has limits to the pain he will inflict. Yea, Crom's devils are more merciful than your god! Even the wisest of your wise men cannot defeat this logic!


Cromsblood said...

I learned long ago that religion and politics are off limits around here, so I'll only share my thoughts on Ben's post with Crom (and in the privacy of my own home)...Crom? Crom? Oh damn, he's ignoring me again.

Mike D. said...

In refelcting the spirit of Cromsblood's sentiment about religion and poiltics I will make this very brief statement.
Thank GOD for CROM and REH and CONAN....without them I'd be bored.

Reis O'Brien said...

Yeah, I knew this could raise some hackles, but I thought it was an interesting (and somewhat tongue in cheek) opinion piece from one of our fellow Conan fans. And since this blog's main goal is to aggregate as many angles and facets of Conan fandom as possible, it still has its place, despite its possible unpopularity.

Also, I've often found the God Crom to be an interesting take on a deity and wonder at times about REH's motivation for creating such a grim, uncaring "Lord of the Mountain", and how it may have related to or been influenced by his highly-Christian surroundings in rural Texas in the '20s and '30s.

Something to think about, anyway.

Mike D. said...

Well...not to harp. But There is a comparison.
It has been said that the Judeo/Christian creator is a CRUEL but JUST God.
The answer lies in there somewhere. I loved this post and it brought a smile to me face.
Thank you for sharing it. It's awesome in fact.

BenFromCanada said...

I'm honoured by the repost, eh?
Yeah, this was mostly tongue-in-cheek, a joke.