Conan the Pimp!

I came across this over at The Retroist and just had to repost it here. It's from the "What if Conan the Barbarian were Stranded in the 20th Century" issue from Marvel Comics. Classic stuff!

Conan of Venarium by Harry Turtledove: Book Review

Here's your quick review:

If you are a Conan "purist" of any kind, DO NOT READ THIS BOOK.

If you want a good rousing tale of what it "may" have been like in Conan's youth and you can be cool with different authors' takes on the Conan mythos, then go pick it up and have a good read. Turtledove is more than a skilled storyteller, even if he doesn't always get the feel for Conan quite right.

There. Hope that helps!

My New Custom Conan Action Figure is Here!

Know, O Prince, that between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of, when shining kingdoms lay spread across the world like blue mantles beneath the stars-Nemedia, Ophir, Brythunia, Hyperborea, Zamora with its dark-haired women and towers of spider-haunted mystery, Zingara with itl chivalry, Koth that borderd the pastoral lands of Shem, Styfia with its shadow-guarded tombs, Hykania whos riders wore steel and silk and gold. But the proudest kingdom in the world was Aquilonia, reigning supreme in the dreaming west. Hither came Conan the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a theif, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandaled feet.
- The Nemedian Chronicles

Well, my much talked about (by me, anyway) custom Conan action figure is finally in my possession and I am simply shocked at it's sheer awesomeness! Now, you've all heard me talk up my friend Todd's incredible customizing skills, but I just have to reiterate the surprising amount of detail and cleverness that was put into this figure. I don't understand why some toy company doesn't hire him to sculpt and paint prototype figures or something! With his talent, he should be raking in the moola.

So, Saturday night, I braved the howling snowstorm that has gripped Seattle for the past five days and swung by his place for a couple of drinks and some brutal rounds on Soul Calibur IV. But first we had the unveiling and after seeing it I was simply speechless! I mean, we all saw the sneak peeks, but they didn't show all the final touches that he put into the figure.

You know what, I need to shut up for a second and just let you all take a look...









Look at that crazy Cimmerian badass! He's clearly just spent a lovely afternoon of force-feeding his enemies and endless supply sharpened steel! I just love all the blood and grime of the battlefield that contrast so sharply with his ice-blue Cimmerian eyes. Let's look at some closer details...





Just look at the little details like the wristband above. Todd has such a detailed imagination that this figure is brimming with little touches like that!



I sthat human brain on his boots?



And how can you be a barbarian if you're not bristling with weapons! This figure came with two swords, a hand-axe and a dagger. The main sword is actually made of stainless steel, found at a local knife-and-sword shop. But that wasn't good enough for Todd, he even had to customize that by adding these beautiful gemstones to the pommel...











So I guess you all can tell that I'm pee-my-pants thrilled with my one-of-a-kind Conan figure. I have it up on a shelf were his total 13 inches towers over my other action figure!



So, seriously, huge thank you's and mad friggin props go to my homeboy Todd for putting so much time, effort, money and care into this very special piece of art that will forever be prized by me. To know that I now own something this cool and original, no one else in the entire world will have something like this, really means the world to me.

Thanks, Todd! You muthafuggin ROCK!

New Conan Art!

Hail All!

I came across these fine pieces of artwork from Burcham Studio featuring our favorite barbarian and thought I'd pass them on here, so enjoy!

Custom Conan Sneak Peek Part 2!

Just look at this awesomeness! Hopefully, I get to pick it up today!

New Stack of Cheap Conan Comics!

I usually swing by my favorite local used bookstore about once a week to see what new stuff they have in and this week was a good one. Many of you know that I'm trying to collect all the Conan comics ever printed (hoo boy) and am still filling out my classic Marvel Comics run, so any time I find one I don't have is a small victory for me. So the other day I started rooting through their 25¢ bin and lo and behold there were a bunch of old Conan the Barbarian issues... for a friggin quarter! (I love when stuff like this happens)

So, for no other reason than anyone reading this may very well be the only people besides myself who cares about stuff like this, here they are!























Aaahhhh, that's a nice little stack of comics, by Crom!

Sneak Peek of My New Conan Custom Action Figure!

I'm so excited I just might pee my pants! But in a manly way, of course. This past Summer, I gave my good friend, dungeon master and genius custom action figure maker, Todd, the challenge of working his magic on a one-of-a-kind custom Conan action figure. He's got plenty of mad skills as many of you may remember from an earlier Geek Orthodox post where I showcased his custom Catwoman.

I've seen a bunch of different custom Conan action figures out there on the interwebs, many of which have been shown here) some great, others not so much, and looking at them all I just knew that Todd could knock this out of the park.

So last night, he sent me a sneak peek of what is to come, and I almost fell out of my chair when I saw it. So, without further ado, I want all of you to get in on the sneak peek action. Check this awesome business out...



How friggin sweet is that!? Of course, this is just a peek. I'm dying to see what his face looks like. So far, he's being built out of a 13" Captain Marvel body and head, but Todd has already started adding such incredible details, like the real leather and fur. CROM!

We talked today over coffee and he let me in on some of the other details it will have, like a more realistic cape. He's also going to dirty him up, give him some blood spatters and scars and is going to pick up the special sword tonight. Seriously, I cannot express to you all enough what it means to me to be this close to owning a one-of -a-kind custom Conan.

So, it looks like I'll get the finished deal on Thursday (it being my birthday and all) and you can damn well count on me writing a big long raving post about it with plenty of pictures! So until then!

And the Winner is...

Nobody! That's right, the first official CROM Blog poll ended in which I asked everyone who was the best Conan love interest and it turned out to be a tie between Belit and Valeria!



With poor little Red Sonja coming in with only one measly vote (which kind of surprised me).



And for the record, a big fat goose egg goes to Maria Shriver. Which did not surprise me in the least. ;)

Thanks for voting everyone, there's a new poll coming!

Conan Earrings! Wait... what?

Just in time for Christmas! You can get these lovely Conan battle-axe earrings for the special someone in your life! Then she'll make you sleep on the couch. ;)



You can find 'em HERE.

Hot Barbarian Babe!

I have no reason for posting these pictures, other than the obvious. CROM!

Conan Ain't No Dummy!

Hail, Fellow Conan Fans!

It's been a while since I last posted. Sorry about that. I've been busy over at my other blog, Geek Orthodox, and slammed with work, so I don't always get a chance to sit down and write about my favorite Cimmerian warrior.

But a good friend of mine hipped me to this great article from Tor.com, written by Douglas Cohen about the fact that over the years, people have tended to regard the Conan character as an oafish, stupid thug. We all know that he's one smart cookie, (I mean, he functionally speaks like, seven different languages!) but it's nice to read an article that brings the point home.

Here's some of my favorite points from the article:

Those unfamiliar with the original tales came to think of Conan as a stupid barbarian. While there’s no debating the barbarian aspect, Conan is far from stupid. Those who consider him as such clearly haven’t read Howard’s original tales. Instead, they’re believing in an unconscious public perception that is straining the character down to its simplest inaccurate depiction.

The first time we meet Conan, he is a king and still a powerful man. But this supposedly mindless barbarian isn’t chopping off heads, making war, drinking himself into a stupor, or pleasuring himself upon every wench available. Instead, he’s filling in the missing spaces on a map. The mapmakers aren’t nearly as well traveled as he is, and so Conan is bringing his vast knowledge to improve upon their faulty geography.

Before Conan led the revolt that allowed him to wrest the jeweled crown of Aquilonia from the mad king Numedides, he was general of this country’s armies, the greatest fighting force in the world. Generals are not stupid men. Quite the opposite, in fact. Consider also that during his lifetime Conan was adaptive enough to rule among a wide variety of men and cultures, from desert outlaws, to both inland sea & ocean pirates, to jungle savages. Each scenario requires a different set of survival skills. In the original stories we witness Conan fall in love, too, meaning he is capable of more than wenching. But he is a man who believes in living life to its fullest, and given the sort of world he lives in and his background, this is how he does it. All these various experiences made him ready to assume the throne of Aquilonia.

That's right, by Crom!

Anyway, you can read the full article HERE. Enjoy!

More Conan Swag Found of eBay!

I love it when I find something Conan-related that I've never seen before (and I assure you that that rarely happens), so imagine my surprise when I found this sweet Conan pocket size collection of comics which looks to be written in Italian (I could be wrong, all I know is that it's not English or Stygian). But what really makes this a beauty is that it's signed by none other than Barry Windsor Smith himself! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet...







And if you're looking for something Conan-related to carry your lunch in, get yourself one of these Conan the Adventurer lunch boxes! Based on the incredibly non-Conan-like cartoon where he had a talking bird sidekick!





And since we've already stunk up today's blog by bringing up the cartoon (which I secretly loved but will never tell any of you that), it looks like some schmoe raided the dumpsters behind the animation studio the day they cleaned out their archives, because he's selling all kinds of old animation cells including these rather nice Conan the Adventurer cells showcasing pretty good shots of our main man from Cimmeria...

"Hey! What's that up there?"


"Wait... Do I still have my shield? Yep. Still got it!"


"Okay, now what was I looking at?"


"Screw it!"


"I wanna hit something with my sword! CROM!"


That's it for today, I think I need to grab one of those animation cells!