CONAN the Barbarian 2011 - Mikey's review.

Ok...I have come back from seeing the film for the second time and now it's time I share my thoughts and feelings on the film. So here goes....IT WAS A SWEEPING EPIC! It was everything I expected and a little bit more. The minor critiques I have will go without saying because anybody whose read CONAN knows the certain things that are wrong that I picked up on and we really don't need to go bashing the film for it's shortcomings. Rather yet let us focus on it's strengths and it's positives.

The opening scene on the battle field where Conan is born and held to the sky is nothing less than an omen...( In the film ) CONAN is a warrior bred and born. He slays ( at 14 years old ) several pictish warriors with their bones and filed teeth and proves he is a worthy and formidable warrior even at his young age. I did not think any of these early depictions of his younger days were in any way shape or form ridiculous or something to laugh at. ( I understand CONAN stories and such ) The people who missed the point? Well..." To HELL with you! "
The entire film was like an issue of SAVAGE SWORD OF CONAN with life breathed into it.
every gut bursting sword swipe and the brutal and deliberate way he dispatched his enemies after he tracked them down....( The pee coming from the noseless fat guy as he drove his finger deep into the guys face ) THAT'S CONAN BITCH!
Jason was a perfect fit for the role...his expressions and intensity really showed how he captured the character. His physique left nothing to be desired...the guy is a big dude OK! So stop comparing him to the esteemed Mr. Shwarzenegger. He's got his own deal goin'.
The character of Khalar Zym...as ruthless a son of a bitch you'd ever want in a villain and he played off Jason perfectly. Rose Mcgowan as Marique....whoah...creepy. She was still sexy in a tear your balls off and shove them down your throat kind of I'd do her anyway kind of way.
I can't say enough about the intense battle with the sand men. The non stop action and blood flying and flowing freely was just what you'd expect from having read the early "Howard" yarns and even more recent "Moore" pastiches. I expect no less....My poor wife who despises gore was cringing and hiding her face behind my shoulder during every battle for fear of getting blood spatter on her! ( 3D )
I would indeed like to see another CONAN film...LIONSGATE should really think about getting ARNOLD in there to boost box office sales. Perhaps as the villain in the next film or an aging Cimmerian warrior who CONAN goes to for assistance. But that is what people want, Big stars.
COME ON MAN! Morgan Freeman narrating! WTF ccould be better than that save for Orson Wells or John Houston or William Conrad or James Earl Jones! IT's MORGAN F'N FREEMAN DUDE! No one can absolutely say why this film did as badly at the box office as it has. It's like people avoided it and the 10 mil that it did make was from people like us who care enough to write or follow blogs dedicated to our hero of HEROES!
All I know is them there fools do not know what they missed out on. When I like a movie I see it several times before it's pulled and goes to home video. I saw Alien resurection 4 times and The first Brendan Fraser MUMMY film 3 times and each LORD OF THE RINGS FILM 3 TIMES....CONAN I will go see again at least 2 more times. ( Then when I get the DVD another 4 times )
If I had to rate this film on a scale of 1 to 10 Battle axes...I give it an easy 8 battle axes! Easy I say!
I certainly hope there will be another one as they say they have planned. With the right promotional campaign and a big name or two...there is no reason it would not do better.
Now...I'm drinking some beers and I'm just about done. I gotta go get me a couple more bottles. ( By the way...I will show everyone the stuff I won from FANBOY comics in the next day or so ).

ALL HAIL CROM , ALL HAIL CONAN !