CROM! readers seem like a very intelligent and witty bunch, and I suspect that many of you (much like myself) have had a burning desire to be an editor for The Savage Sword of Conan, but the opportunity just never presented itself...well here's your chance! I picked a couple of diss-worthy letters from days gone by, and am hoping you can help these poor chaps out...
OK people, Todd and/or Kevin are anxious to read your sagely responses! I have little to offer in return, other than including them in a post at some future date, and, um...how does a lifetime subscription to CROM! sound?
4 comments:
Dear Todd,
So you would like to read in issue #177 the letters that are in response to issue #177, which would have been written after we published issue #177?
Well, I was planning on using my time travel powers to go into the future and defeat the forces of the unholy alien apocalypse that will arrive after I leave Earth to conquer another dimension. But, if you really want me to use it for this, I guess I can travel forward in time to read all the letters, and then travel back in time to write responses to and print said letters in issue #177. Then you can be happy knowing what other people think about the issue before dying a horrible death.
By the way, when you go back to read issue #177, make sure to read your own response to issue #177 that you just wrote, so you can see how much of a dumbass you really are.
Kansas is boring,
Kaiser Crowbar
Dear Kevin,
What the hell are you trying to tell me with this letter? You broke both of your arms and you're too poor to even purchase our magazine on a regular basis...
I know what it is. You want me to miraculously heal your arms with my godlike powers. Since you can't afford to have a doctor do it, you come to me, asking for miracles. Well the short answer is "No" and the long answer is "Hell no. Fuck you."
Now don't get me wrong. I mean typing an error free letter with broken arms is pretty hardcore. I'll give you props for that. But if you think I'm going to fall for every sob story I come across, you've got another thing coming.
Here's what I recommend: fix your own damn arms. Do you think Conan would go see a healer just because he had a few broken bones? No. He'd uproot a tree with his teeth, tie it around the broken arm as a splint and walk it off like a real man. As long as you have large enough cojones, you don't need to see a doctor.
And what's this about the "black-and-white touch?" Are you talking about that movie Jungle Fever? What the hell does that have to do with Conan? I've never even seen that movie, so I don't give a shit.
Finally, what do you mean the cover on issue #189 could have been a bit better? I'd like to see you try to paint a better picture with your broken arms, you friggin' cripple.
Crom hates you,
Kaiser Crowbar
Dear Todd and Kevin,,,you see it's like this...it...I...uh...it's just...well they...ahh forget it it's just easier to call you guys idiots..
Kaiser Crowbar,
Seriously man, that was better than I ever expected! Comprehensive, astute, and the funniest damn thing I've read in a long time...golden! Speaking of golden, my laptop hates me now, thanks to a golden shower (of the beer from the mouth variety) while reading your reply. So on behalf of Todd, Kevin, and myself, CONGRATS! The lifetime subscription is officially yours Kaiser, along with a post in the near future dedicated to you!
And he has a way cool name!
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